Designing Your Relationship with Your Manager

An essential conversation for managing up and moving forward

Your relationship with your manager is often a defining factor in your satisfaction at work. As the saying goes, “people join companies, then leave managers.” It’s easy to look to your manager to set the terms of your relationship, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

photos by Melanie Riccardi

As a leadership coach, I find that too often, people are waiting for their managers to say, do, ask, or offer them what they really need and want. But even the most thoughtful, skilled, well-meaning manager can’t read your mind (and shouldn’t have to!). As a former manager myself, I can say that it’s a gift when someone tells you straightforwardly what they need or want at work.

Of course, it can be nerve-racking to make your professional needs and desires known. We are often afraid of how we’ll be seen if we’re really honest about those things. And there’s always a risk that we’ll discover that our needs or desires cannot be fulfilled. Still, if you never make them known to your manager, you may never find out what was possible and what wasn’t.

If you do find out that something you want or need at work isn’t possible, then you’ll have the information you need to decide how you’d like to move forward—whether you need to start looking for a new job, for example, or whether you can actually design another way to work within those constraints. But at least then you’re clear about the constraints you’re working within, rather than striving for something that simply isn’t within reach.

Conversations about needs and desires are easier to have once you’ve designed the foundation of your relationship with your manager. If you’re beginning (or would like to reset) that relationship, I encourage you to initiate and facilitate a conversation where you design that relationship together.

Below is a set of questions and prompts to guide that discussion. Feel free to pick and choose what works for you, and rephrase in your own words. The questions are phrased from the perspective of a report, but of course, managers can initiate these conversations too.

• What do you think makes for a great manager/report relationship?
• Here are some characteristics I hope to cultivate in our relationship. What do you want to cultivate? What do you think will help us cultivate those things?
• What does psychological safety mean to you? Here’s what it means to me.
• Here’s what I expect from a manager. Can I expect those things from you?
• What are your expectations of me? How will I know whether I’m meeting your expectations?
• Here are some of my strengths / things I’m proud of. Will you let me know, over time, what you see as my strengths? And what do you see as your strengths?
• Here’s what I’m working on / how I want to grow. Will you support me in developing in those areas?
• What are you working on? How can I support you in your development as a manager?
• Here are some things you should know about me, in order to be a supportive manager for me. What should I know about you?
• Here are some things that I’ve really appreciated from relationships with past managers. And here are some things that don’t work well for me.
• What are some things that have worked and not worked for you in relationships with your reports?
• Here’s how I like to give and receive feedback. How do you like to give and receive feedback?
• Here’s what motivates me, and here’s how I like to be recognized when I’m doing well. How about you? What motivates you, and how do you like to be recognized?
• Here are some things I’m nervous/worried/concerned about for our working relationship. What concerns do you have?
• Here are some things I admire about you.
• Here are some things I hope to learn from working with you.

The work of designing a relationship is an ongoing process. You can come back to these questions at any point as your relationship evolves.

And if you’d like some support on designing your work relationships, practicing leadership from right where you are, or creating a fulfilling career path, I hope you’ll reach out.